Today they talk a lot about how parents manipulate children. But sometimes the family is formed in the family. What to do if the child reproaches and shakes parents? The family psychotherapist Alena Prikhidko answers.
My seven -year -old daughter learned to manipulate our feelings with her husband. Когда она не слушается или плохо себя ведет и мы пытаемся отругать или наказать ее, она не испытывает чувства вины, не задумывается над своим поведением, а начинает нас стыдить. For example, it reproaches that we are not nearby all day, and when we return from work, she hears only screams. Or he says: «Well, I knew that no one loves me». Or: “I am a child, and you are adults. Howhand
you are not ashamed to beat me?». By «beating» is meant a slap on the pope, nothing more. Or, for example, she can tragically burst out with the words: “I love you so much, and what I get in return?!»And we, instead of getting an apology for disobedience or whims, are standing in front of our small child and listen to reproaches. Why is this happening and how to behave to us to rectify the situation?
Alena Prikhidko, Family psychotherapist:
In the story that you shared, there are several components requiring attention.
Let’s start with what you feel. You want the seven -year -old daughter to obey you, and instead you have to feel shame and discomfort from her reproaches. It is important to understand that children learn to communicate with our parents, remember how we answer, and “return” our words and actions in their own way, childish. It is difficult for them to understand why mom and dad can blame them, but they cannot answer the same.
You are unpleasant when your daughter shames you, you want it to stop? First of all, you need to pay attention to those typical phrases and words that you use when you are unhappy with your daughter’s behavior. What and in what tone you usually say? Think about it – I promise, you will make a lot of interesting discoveries.
The next step is a change in interaction with the child. Let’s figure out what alternatives can be the usual behavior for you. Try not to react automatically, but to consciously choose the answer that would be useful for my daughter, showed her an example. To do this, you need to understand what is behind the inadequate behavior of the child. Why is she not obeying or daring? Maybe she’s tired? Or worries?
When we manage to see what is behind the disobedience, it is easier for us to remain calm and support the child